Ferweh

/ˈfɛʁnveː/

The ache of missing somewhere you’ve never gone to.

It was warm. It was the sort of physical warmth that you felt whenever you drank a cup of hot cocoa on a cold December night amongst friends and loved ones. It was sweet, and it felt like home. I mean, not that I would know. I never really liked hot cocoa. I’ve always liked the taste of black coffee more. It’s strong and straight to the point. That is what home feels like to me, but when she’s wrapped around my arms and when her back touches my chest, I question myself if black coffee is really what I want my home to feel like.

Growing up, I never really knew what it truly felt like to have an actual home. What I knew about it is simply from a mixture of observation, stories, and books. I lost my parents and my older brother at a young age. It was a freak accident, they say. One night after my older brother’s piano concert, they were driving home, and a drunken truck driver hit them like a bowling ball.

Both my parents died on the spot, my brother was rushed to the hospital but eventually died in transit. It was tragic, and I couldn’t understand it fully at the time. I was just seven years old. I was suffering from a fever at that time, and my nanny just started crying and hugged me tight while repeatedly saying how everything would be alright. I didn’t understand. It wasn’t until the following morning when the servants talked to my uncle, my father’s best friend, about my parents and brother being gone and how I’ll be living with him in Alabang. Coming from Quezon City, going to Alabang at that time felt like miles away, and I was just this scared and confused kid who wanted his parents back.

It was a whirlwind of events after that. Things were being packed, and I was quickly ushered into a black van with heavily tinted windows. The ride seemed to last forever. Being seated beside my uncle was a quiet affair. He didn’t talk to me much. He just offered a gentle smile. 

“Tito, what did you mean by my parents not coming back?” I asked. 

I realized how innocent I was back then, not understanding what was happening and how much hurt I was in for. He frowned for a moment but regained the gentle smile as he gave my arm a quick squeeze. 

“I’ll explain it when you’re older, but for now, you’ll be living with me and my son Prince. It’s going to be a sort of vacation.” I remember smiling brightly at that. The idea of spending time with Prince Andrada, my best friend, for an entire summer was the best thing that could have happened in my life at that point, but of course, I never understood what I lost until I was older, and that’s when things started to change for me.

After that summer, I started asking my uncle why I’m not yet going home. He told me that it’s because my parents have an extended vacation and that I shouldn’t worry about it. By the following year, when I started to go to elementary school, it was then that I understood I was never going home because there is no one to go home to. I finally knew that my parents were dead. They weren’t out on an extended vacation, and me staying in the Andrada’s is a permanent thing. I went home angry at everyone. I pushed everyone away and locked myself in my room. I lashed out on everyone, even Prince, but he stayed.

Now I’m twenty-one, and I still wonder what home really is. I live in a two-bedroom condominium unit in a building located at Padre Faura with my adoptive brother and best friend Prince. Our unit is always tidy because I can never take clutter or mess, and I guess it always felt cold because of that.

That’s where Gale Tantoco enters. She is sweet, smart, and beautiful all at once. She is unassuming and humble. She is all smiles and fluff and sugar, and I never really understood what she saw in me. Prince and I met her on the first day of high school. She was a new student and was awfully shy and soft-spoken. People were not exactly nice to her, and Prince being his everyone-deserves-to-have-friends self, dragged me to the corner where Gale ate her lunch alone. 

“Hi, I’m Prince Adrada, and this emo boy here is my best friend, Axel Dy. It’s nice to meet you…?” He trailed off, waiting for Gale to respond to his boisterous introduction. She blushed and avoided eye contact with Prince and me. 

“Um… I’m Gale Tantoco. It’s nice to meet you too.” She almost whispered. Prince smiled brightly and sat right beside Gale even without an invitation. “Okay, Gale! Since we’re friends, let’s all have lunch together? Okay?” Gale once again blushed and nodded her head. I think I heard her say thank you, but I never really knew if she did because Prince started talking animatedly. I sat across from the both of them, barely giving input because, just like Gale, I was a quiet person.

Since then, we’ve become best friends. It was always the three of us. If you saw one of us, you’d surely find the other two.

Back to being twenty-one and sitting on my couch in my condominium unit, with the television playing a random movie, Gale sat beside me, her head laid on my chest, her legs were crossed with mine. My head was lazily propped on top of hers. It felt nice to have her warmth as I enclosed my arms around her shoulders. Her black hair shined under the fluorescent lights of the unit. Her dark brown eyes are closed in comfort.

I sighed in utter contentment. I would have said it was a perfect day, a perfect cuddle day. I would have had Prince, my perfectly annoying-I-am-a-mestizo-I’m-dumb-but-I’m-pogi-and-I’m-the-son-of-the-Mayor best friend, not walk in at that moment, but as fate would have it, he did.

With Gale being as shy as she was, she suddenly sat up straight upon hearing the door creak. She pushed herself off of me when she noticed Prince entering the threshold of the two-bedroom condominium unit. Gale finally found her footing and stood up, apologizing to Prince in the process. “Ah! Kuya Prince, welcome home. I think it seems that I’ve overstayed my welcome. I’ll just-” Prince cuts her off with a disarming smile.

“What are you talking about, Gale? You’re always welcome here! I wouldn’t know how to appease Mr. Grouchy Pants over there if you weren’t here!” Gale sighs in relief and looks at me with that radiant smile of hers.

“Well, since you’re here, Gale. Why don’t we have some instant ramen? I bought lots.” I rolled my eyes at Prince as he wiggled his eyebrows at Gale while showing her his plastic bags. Gale giggled and joined Prince in the Kitchen to prepare. I frowned. I can hear their laughter from where I sat. It was a nice sound, like the twinkling of bells- only those bells were slightly overpowered by some barking hyena- that's Prince, for sure.

I hate him sometimes. I mean, I love him, he’s my brother, but now that he ruined a totally perfect afternoon, I just can’t take his obnoxious presence. I closed my eyes and reclined on the sofa. Maybe if I tuned them out, I’d just imagine Gale being back in my arms. That sounds nice. Maybe with some slow jazz and coffee, it’d be perfect.

My thoughts were cut because that’s when Gale came out of the kitchen and came over to me and pulled me up.

“C’mon, Axel. Let’s go.” I peeked through my overgrown bangs, which Gale always reminds me to cut because the emo look is very 2010. To look at her, I shook my head no.

“What why.” She pouted. It was always so cute when she pouted, “Axeeel…” I ceded. I couldn’t say no to her. She dragged me to the kitchen where Prince waited. “There you are, finally!” They laughed.

I smirked and hugged Gale. I kissed her temple and whispered to her how much I love her and how much I wish this were all real. She laughed, hit my rib with her elbow, and told me not to be silly. “This isn’t a dream!” and the bells rung once again.

I laughed with her this time—a real, sad reverberation from my throat. I covered my face, frowned, and took a step back at that moment. I stared into her wide beautiful eyes. “Yeah. This isn’t a dream.” I took a step back from her and backtracked to everything that happened today before I got home.

I smiled at her as I kissed her temple, a promise of forever. She drags me to the kitchen island where Prince awaits for the both of us. I frown at her for leaving me. She sits up straight to distance herself from me. I opened the door to our dorm room to find her on the couch.

With Prince.

Laughing at some stupid joke the movie said. She kisses his cheek, and he smiles so brightly. He finally noticed me. “Oh hey, Axel! Welcome home! I hope you don’t mind that Gale’s staying over.” I eye her. I want to see that spark of recognition. That memory of her between my arms. Not this reality of Prince and Gale together. Of them in love. Of Prince having his perfect little world. Of Gale happily wrapped around Prince and openly laughing and smiling, her chime-like laugh a nightmare for me.

“Ah… Hello po, Kuya Axel.” A gentle, polite smile. I didn’t acknowledge either of them. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I lay on my bed. Wondering, what it would feel like to be the recipient of that smile. Dreaming of a time where she would laugh at something I say and missing a place I have never been to.

Fin.

This was a piece I wrote for my creative writing class back in 2018.