Growing Up Fat in the Philippines

The Covid pandemic made us do a lot of things differently. From the way we work to our daily activities, it has affected us in more ways than we ever imagined. As a person who enjoyed staying in, it did not feel like there was much of a difference.

At least, that is what I told myself.

As each day passed, I thought, this isn’t so bad. Until a week turned into a month, and the month turned into three, and staying indoors with only my family to talk to really ate away at my mental health.

Full disclosure, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2, and I am not ashamed of it. Having a mental illness in the time of pandemic was a real challenge for me. I only had myself, and being alone for a prolonged period really made me think and reflect on my life.

My therapist told me that the cause of my problem is low self-esteem. People who know me would raise their eyebrows.

“Eir? Low self-esteem? She’s like one of the most confident people I know!”

"She's like one of the most confident people I know!"

Their words not mine.

I was having a hard time trying to reconcile the idea that I have low self-esteem. I grew up with supportive parents and a sister that looked up to me like I was the sun, yes squinting and mildly irritated. Kidding, she loved me with the warmth of a gentle summer breeze. Going back, I realized some things that might have caused my poor self-esteem.

I was a fat kid growing up, and I’m a Filipino.

What does that have anything to do with self-esteem? It had everything to do with self-esteem. I don’t know if you guys will relate to this, but growing up, from the moment I started school (that’s around TWO years old, and yes, it’s early because my mother claimed I was gifted), for as far as I can remember, I have always been made fun of at school for being fat.

In the films that I watched, fat kids and even adults are always the butt end of the jokes. I was never bothered because my parents never made a big deal about it. I was healthy, they’d say. Until I started school. In the morning, when I enter the school service, they would comment on how the row would be too masikip because I was fat. When I get to school, boys and girls alike would make fun of me in the playground because I jiggled. There were days I didn’t want to go to school because of the bullying. That was just the fat part.

I’m a Filipino, and in the Philippines, you are only pretty if you are a fair-skinned, skinny girl. Sounds familiar? Years of freedom from our western colonizers and the standards we live with today are still highly influenced by them. They’re like that ex you just could never get over. They’re not with you, but you just can’t shake their presence out of your system.

You have aunts and uncles always asking why you’ve gained weight. They ask if naiwanan ka ba sa kusina and they go ahead and laugh because to them, it’s just a joke. They’re just thinking of your well-being; you know they’re not bad people; it’s a cultural thing. It’s small-talk! (you might as well insert every self-gaslighting excuse you can come up with here).

The kids that made fun of you are the same way. They were just brought up that way. They were wired to make fun of the fat people. Body-shaming is just really a thing in the Philippines. Live with it. Don’t be too sensitive.

No.

I learned to fight. My only wish is that I realized that it was not normal to body-shame earlier. The childhood taunts and jeers turned into monsters in my mind, and it ate at me little by little until I realized their words were not knives and if I KNEW who I was, that I was doing my best to stay healthy, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

One day in elementary, I was crying in the guidance office. Our guidance counselor taught me to look in the mirror every day and tell myself I’m beautiful until I believed it. It wasn’t easy. The wounds have already been inflicted, but they eventually healed. I forced myself to believe I was beautiful. Other people’s opinions on how I looked didn’t matter.

Of course I still have bad days, and on the inside, I felt like a liar. I didn’t really feel beautiful. I hated myself. Then I remind myself these thoughts aren’t real. That I have full control of myself. That I am, in fact, beautiful no matter what other people say. My confidence is a big fuck you to the people who brought me down and made fun of me.

I built myself up because no one else will do it for you. As harsh as it may sound, you really need to find it in yourself to accept all of you. I won't say flaws and all because being fat is never a flaw. The sooner you make peace with yourself and start letting other people's words affect you, the sooner you will be able to feel the beauty you've always had. 

"I built myself up because no one else will do it for you."

I hope with all my heart that you find the beauty within yourself even if you have to force yourself to believe it. We are all beautiful. I may have been a fat Filipino child, but now I am a beautiful, fat, Filipina woman that IS more than just my double XL jeans.